This Is Not A Pity Party

Sometimes, I think I go for days without being touched by anyone.

Sometimes, when I get under my big blue and white fluffy down comforter at night, I think it must be nice to be married and have someone to hold me while I fall asleep.

Yes, that must be nice.

So I make myself think about people in hospital beds in third world countries, who have no one to comfort them. I think about small orphans who have no one to hold them aside from a diaper change. I think about old people in homes, who have been forgotten about and have no one to give a rip about them because they are old and don't look pretty or smell nice anymore.

Am I really this selfish? If I want someone to hold me, I should go and hold them.

Jesus was a very compassionate man. But I felt like the Lord showed me that you can have all the compassion in the world for people and it means nothing if you don't do anything with it. Imagine if Jesus, being full of compassion didn't touch people or hug them, or kiss them. Imagine if he didn't heal their sick or visit them in their homes. What sort of a loving God would that be? He wouldn't be loving at all.

I don't think Jesus, being single sat around waiting for people to hug him or love him. He simply went after them. However, even in His pursuit of them, it wasn't out of selfish means to receive affection. It was done out of His obedience to the Father and I know He was blessed because of it.

So what if I don't get a whole lot of affection? I won't die without it...
but somebody else might.

Pushing

Today was pretty great. (Mom- if you're reading this you will want to stop right now.) I jumped off a 25 foot bridge with some friends this afternoon. (Mom! I told you to stop reading!) It was so incredibly hot. I loved it. 97 degrees. So after church a bunch of us grabbed some lunch and headed to this beautiful area just below the mountains where you can go swimming. There was a bridge above the river and since the water was very deep-some of us decided to jump off it. The first time I went I jumped fast. I needed to prove to myself that I could do it. It felt awesome, but when I hit the water I totally forgot about the jump because it was ice cold. The water was the snow runoff from the mountains and the temperature was enough to literally take my breath away.

The second time I jumped it was much harder for some reason. I stood on the ledge for about 10 minutes. I think it was because I lost my adrenaline rush and logic set in. I started psyching myself out. "I can't do it." I said. "Sure you can." My friend Jimmy prodded. "You did it before, you can do it again." "I'm too scared now, Jimmy!" I said as I stood with my pink toes on the edge of the cement railing. After he counted down from three and up to three almost half a dozen times I told him to stop it because that wasn't going to work. Finally, after gazing down into the sparkling current below I turned my head around and looked down at him. "I want you to push me, or I won't do it." I said. "Really?!" He said incredulously. "Yeah. I'm gonna count to three and then you're gonna push me as I lean forward." I said. "Okay! That 's like a dream come true!" He said. Not necessarily to push me, but anyone. I counted to three as I leaned forward, he gently pushed the back of my legs and I fell and it was awesome.

I think sometimes in life, we all just need a little push.

In the Waiting...

I saw Indiana Jones last night. At the very end of the movie one of the character's said something that echoed inside of me.
"How much of life is wasted in the waiting."
I kept thinking about that statement....How depressing that would be if it's true.

There are so many things in my life that I'm waiting for...is my life presently being wasted in these season's of waiting? Is yours? I hope not.

There is so much for me to learn in the waiting...Things to learn about myself, Things to learn about the character of God, things to learn about His word. There is still so much for me to learn. If I didn't learn to rest in the waiting seasons, I would NEVER be prepared for the things that I have currently! Crops don't grow unless you till the ground and plant the seeds. And even then, they don't just pop right up. The seeds must die in the ground before the crop comes out of the seed.

If everything I ever wanted was simply handed to me on a silver platter I don't believe I would really appreciate them the way that I do. I learn humility in the waiting. I learn patience in the waiting. I learn self control in the waiting.

All these things can be summed up in one word. Discipline. I learn discipline in the waiting. And I am learning to grow up...even as an adult. Is if fun? Not really. But do I believe in the end it's worth it? You betcha. ;)

So no, I don't believe I'm wasting my time or my youth in the waiting. In the meantime, I'll keep planting seeds and I'll keep tilling the ground in the garden of my heart, my life.

Won't you plant with me?

Love According to Dean Martin

"When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie that's amore."

Really? That's amore? That's amore?! No wonder half the adult population of the United States is still single. Apparently I'm waiting for a moon-like meteorite to hit me in the face and then I will find love. Albeit half dead and deformed and laid up in the hospital. If that's love according to Dean Martin, then I hope it never finds me.

A sweet story

I wrote those last two poems ages ago. Sometimes, when I don't feel like I have anything to say, I find I can always seem to fall back on prose. I'm not sure why. Sometimes, it's like a different language to me.

A sweet true story I heard...

A friend of mine said that while she was raising her youngest son he was a tender hearted boy. When he was being punished, he would often cry in his room. But to show his mother that he loved her dispite his punishment, when he would come out, he would ask her to wipe his tears away. Which I think is quite a humble thing for a child to do, especially for a boy.

Years later, my friend went to visit her son and a situation occured in which she was in the wrong. As she was apologizing to her now adult son, she started to cry. He asked her to "hold on" and left the room. When he came back, he was holding a tissue in his hands and began to wipe away her tears as a sign of his forgivness towards her.

I was really moved by that. Showing tenderness and forgiveness towards others seems to be so much overlooked in our soicety because of our pride. Yet I wonder how much more peace we would have in our lives if we sacrifically lived this way more for others. It's just a thought.

Stupid

Sometimes, I lie in bed and think of all the smart and intelligent things that I want to say to people. Unfortunately, it seems only the stupid things come out.

Thinking Bigger--I dare you.

It is very late indeed. But I'm feeling the desire to write. My fingers want to talk. Just getting home from an evening of church and then a very late dinner with lots of friends in Seattle. I'm so full of Thai food...ugh!

Lately I've been thinking about wealth. Sound boring? Then go away. Sound curious? Then do sit and stay awhile. You are always welcome.

By the American standard...I'm not exactly super wealthy. I live in an apartment, soon to be great condo. I drive a car that's kinda old. I don't have a ton of things and I don't wear designer clothes. Unless you count name brands from my favorite outdoor sporting goods and clothing store, REI. I do have a great job though that I quite enjoy and I lack for nothing.

My point is this....in the light of third world countries, I'm exceeding wealthy and so are you. We too often take what we have for granted because we only see what we don't have due to our covetous hearts. (Oh that we would know True contentment!) In some places, you have whole families and extended families living under a tiny shack of a home. They don't own bikes, let alone cars. Or they live in garbage dumps. The family's income is from the family's goat.

Poverty will never go away. The poor, more often than not, get poorer.I don't know if this is something that you ever think about, but I do. The thing is, living here in a land so prosperous, it's easy to be ignorant to the heartbreak and oppression that happens all over the world. The TV and the newspapers talk about it, but until you get involved, it's just some casual conversation that surmises an "Oh that's too bad" attitude. I admit to having that attitude myself in the past.


Have you seen the movie Amazing Grace? I love that movie. It's so inspiring! William Wilberforce was so young. Yet, he was a man of God. He was a man of passion and compassion. In the movie, you see him walk past beggars and just give them the loose change he has. He doesn't think about "Hmm, should I or not?" He just saw a need and met it, even in the most simple way. He wasn't afraid of the less fortunate, rather, he embraced them because they were. At one point, he has a ton of homeless people in his house eating all his food! It was nutty ok. But so what? He never stopped reaching out to do the things that God has called us to do. William loved people not just in word, but in deed.(Just like Jesus) Which is what we are called to as well.

I wrote a post awhile back about screaming on the inside. I feel though, unless I pour my life out to Him as drink offering...I'll always be screaming on the inside about something. Let's not stay content in our little worlds. Let's live bigger and more selflessly than that. Dear God, please show us how.

Over

It was over before it started.
I saw the road block,
but I still fell flat on my face.

Annie Hall

I know this guy, his name is Nathanael. Last year he told me that I reminded him of Annie Hall. I'd always been curious about that movie, but then once he said that I really wanted to see it. I wanted to know if I was like her character.
Hmmm...Well, I'm sitting here watching this movie. If I'm sitting here watching the movie and typing on the computer at the same time, is it obvious that I don't think it's any good?
Maybe I am a little like Annie Hall, I think she's funny and a little nutty. But she's also an idiot! She's a fluffy ditz with no depth. Humph, thanks a lot Nathanael!
(10 minutes later...)
Alright, I've turned it off and now I'm listening to Kings of Convenience. I have no idea what they are singing about, but it's better than Annie Hall.
Okay, so this post isn't all that exciting, but it's just a personal insight into the great big Blog Void that I have now become a part of.

greeting dogs

I saw this T-shirt today that said "Greet everyone as you would your dog." Well I personally don't think that is a good idea. I just so happen to be an obsessed dog lover. (Especially big dogs) If I were to greet everyone the way I greet dogs, you would experience something like this...

First, I would grab your face and kiss you on both cheeks and the top of your head. Then I would grab you by the ears and scratch behind them and kiss them. Then I would rub your back and stomach at the same time. Then I would keep patting you on the head and tell you in a ridiculously melodic voice how great you are and never let you get a word in.

I think this would make a lot of wives and girlfriends very angry with me and children would run in terror.

So no, I don't think it's a good idea to greet everyone the way you would your dog.

Personal Insights

Do you ever have days or moments when you are screaming on the inside? Maybe you don't even know what you're screaming, you just know that you are. You walk around, going about your business and when people ask you how you are you smile flatly and say "I'm fine." But really you are screaming. Screaming to get out. Screaming to let go. Screaming to give up or screaming to move on.
Well, I'm having one of those days. Only, I'm screaming for more. I WANT MORE!! More of life, more of purpose, more of joy. When I really think about...more of GOD and in no uncertain terms, Jesus.
I have found that He is the only one who can give me purpose. Peace in the mad confusion in my head. His peace has a name and it is called "The Sabbath Rest." It is referenced in the New Testament and Hebrews Chapter 4 explains it. He wants us to rest from our ways and our thoughts. He wants us to be partakers of His goodness. But this only comes through obedience to His Will and His Word. If you've been screaming inside like I have today, I encourage you to read it. Then "be still and know that He is God" and stop screaming.

Personal Insights

If you are ugly
on the inside,
Then you're ugly
on the outside.
And I don't care
how pretty you are.

Personal Insights

Don't bother showing me your piety.
In essence you're only showing me
your pride.