Somethings You Gotta Try Once...

I have a story to tell. This is not my story. It's my roommate's. But it’s entertaining and scary at the same time. We decided to take the opportunity to share it with you, so here goes. In her (our) words...

I'm not one who likes to use dating websites; however I have been convinced in the past. I'm surrounded by people who love me very much and desperately want to see me get married. This time it was my sister-in-law who did the persuading.
She had recently convinced our friend to join eHarmony and I thought since he's a great guy; maybe there are other quality guys on eHarmony.

And so it began...the matching, the pictures, the reading, the profiles, and the compatibility test. I fell for all of it. I thought it might be true; the promises, the hope, the catchy commercial with all those sappy people swooning over each other about the love of their lives. As I typed I could hear the music from the commercial playing in my head "This will be an ever lasting love for meeeeeeeeeeeee!" (Darn that stupid song.)

It wasn't long after I began wading through the discount rack of so called “quality” men and eliminating most, that there appeared to be a decent and hopeful prospect. He looked nice enough and he even had a picture of himself with a cute kitty. (I should have known better that any guy who posts a picture of himself walking with a kitten on a leash should be suspect.)

We started communication through our cyber correspondence and things seemed to be going great. He seemed well adjusted, slightly charming, well thought out, educated, and stable even.

And then we had our first and last infamous phone conversation. My brother warned me not to pull a Seinfeld but rather to give the guy a chance. However when the first phrase came out of his mouth all hope was lost. Note to guys; don’t ever tell a girl she sounds like a nanny. So what if I am? What does that even mean? The monotone drone of his voice immediately had me thinking "and you sound exactly like an accountant.” (Which he is.) However, I being a woman of tact and discretion held my tongue on the matter.

The conversation went something like this:

Him “So have you gotten a lot of dates from eHarmony?"

Me: “No. Have you?”

Him: “Oh yeah! Tons! I'm in communication with about 7 girls right now!”

Me: Thinks to self: (Sheesh! Even if it's true don't tell me that!)
My attempt to redirect conversation; “So, is that your cat in the picture?”

Him: “No it's my ex-girlfriends.”

(Awkward silence)

Him: "So, my problem is this....let me try to sugar coat this...I tend to find girls at my church kinda geeky. And I find myself really attracted to the "bad girls.” I mean, girls at church are so up tight about sex and they don't even want to talk about it. It's like it's bad or something..."

Me: (Thinking to self: This is SO inappropriate for my first conversation with you! Are you really saying this to me? Are you REALLY saying this??)
It took him less than five minutes to turn this conversation to sex.

Me: (Stammering) “Well, uh, I, I, that's not my experience...” Then I started thinking, “Why am I even responding to this? I just wanted to bust up laughing. How socially inept is this guy or is he really that big of a pervert?

Me: (Yet again, attempting to redirect the subject.) “So, do you have any plans for Valentines Day?”

Him: “Yeah, I'm pretty sure I have a date.”

Me: “Oh, a girl from church?”

Him: “No. eHarmony. I don't consider it exclusive until our second or third date.”

Me: (Thinks to self, "Again, even if it's true WHY ARE YOU TELLING ME?!")

Him: "I mean if by the third date we aren't having sex...just kidding. I mean sixth date, kidding again!"

Me: (Actually saying) “I don't know you. Why do you think I would think that's funny?!” (Psycho perv)
At this point the conversation turned slightly political, something about the CIA but I had already checked out.

Me: “Well, it's late and I need to get up early so I should probably go."

Him: “Wow! We really hit some deep topics of conversation! Next time we'll have to talk about ..."
I didn't even hear what he had to say. It was drowned out by the screaming thoughts in my head "NEXT TIME! YOU THINK THERE'S GOING TO BE A NEXT TIME?!"

Twenty minutes later I closed my eHarmony account and all I can think is; Ick! This guy has my number!

Next person who tries to get me to do online dating again is gonna get decked. If this is what cyber dating is like I’ll take my single life any day. Colleen, will you grow old with me?
Colleen: “Not on your life.”