I'm sitting cross legged on the sofa in my living room surrounded by dozens of lit glass tea lights. Got on my comfy yoga pants and hoodie sweatshirt, listening to The Kings of Convenience. The tea lights are a mixed scent of fir tree and cranberry. It's a very comforting sent. All the lights are dim and I can hear my roommate practicing her piano and singing her heart out in her room.
It's raining outside, although it snowed all weekend. We had big fat snow flakes last night and this morning. We got about four inches. It was fun while it lasted, but then the air got moist off the Puget Sound and it turned into rain. It's dumping the white stuff in the Cascades, only twenty-five miles from here and I wish I could go skiing. I think next weekend I might try snow-shoeing with some friends. Man, I love it here, even if it does rain a lot.
My mind is wandering...come with me. I am imagining a large gnarly, twisted tree with an oval hole in the center that is so big, it looks like the tree is yawning. I once stood in a tree like this. It looked like it almost ate me up. I was in England with my best friend Robyn. We drove around the forest where the movie "Robin Hood Prince of Thieves" was filmed. We would get out of the car and walk through some busted open trees and hide inside the big ones. It was a lush forest and smelled like wet earth. It was like a scene from Anne of Green Gables and I was Anne and Robyn was Diana. Those days were long ago and I loved them, but look forward to the ones ahead...
But all this isn't what I'm really thinking about. I'm really thinking about Jesus. I caught a movie clip today of some Jesus movie. I didn't really watch it because I was rushing to go to church, but the actor did a good job portraying Him.
Sometimes, I think that the way I envision Jesus, isn't the way he really is. I think that he's kinder to me, than I actually am to myself. Romans 2:4 says that "it is the kindness of God which draws all men to repentance." I so often think, "You better not mess up." "Everything you do is going to be judged someday." I find, that when I think about him that way...it makes it harder for me to love him. I tend to just feel like a scared child who is awaiting a spanking and I end up doing things that I don't want to do. When all I really want is to love him freely. I don't care if I don't learn anything else in this life, but this...That I can't do anything to make Jesus love me more than he already does and stop trying to earn my salvation and just walk it out.
My earthly father adores me. There is nothing more that I can do to make him love me more than he already does. I don't feel like I have to try and earn my dad's love. I don't go to my dad and ask him for crumbs if I'm hungry for a sandwich. Then why do I humanize God Almighty who has the power to do whatever He wants?
I have been a Christian for ten years and I feel like I know God less than I did ten years ago. This stuff should be posted on the other blog, I'm getting way to personal but it's too late now.
Maybe I'll remove this post. I'm not sure how I feel about being so brutally honest with my feelings.
She's Having a Baby
4 years ago