Sunday, December 2, 2007

Details...and other personal matters of which I'm not sure why I'm spilling my guts.

I'm sitting cross legged on the sofa in my living room surrounded by dozens of lit glass tea lights. Got on my comfy yoga pants and hoodie sweatshirt, listening to The Kings of Convenience. The tea lights are a mixed scent of fir tree and cranberry. It's a very comforting sent. All the lights are dim and I can hear my roommate practicing her piano and singing her heart out in her room.

It's raining outside, although it snowed all weekend. We had big fat snow flakes last night and this morning. We got about four inches. It was fun while it lasted, but then the air got moist off the Puget Sound and it turned into rain. It's dumping the white stuff in the Cascades, only twenty-five miles from here and I wish I could go skiing. I think next weekend I might try snow-shoeing with some friends. Man, I love it here, even if it does rain a lot.

My mind is wandering...come with me. I am imagining a large gnarly, twisted tree with an oval hole in the center that is so big, it looks like the tree is yawning. I once stood in a tree like this. It looked like it almost ate me up. I was in England with my best friend Robyn. We drove around the forest where the movie "Robin Hood Prince of Thieves" was filmed. We would get out of the car and walk through some busted open trees and hide inside the big ones. It was a lush forest and smelled like wet earth. It was like a scene from Anne of Green Gables and I was Anne and Robyn was Diana. Those days were long ago and I loved them, but look forward to the ones ahead...

But all this isn't what I'm really thinking about. I'm really thinking about Jesus. I caught a movie clip today of some Jesus movie. I didn't really watch it because I was rushing to go to church, but the actor did a good job portraying Him.

Sometimes, I think that the way I envision Jesus, isn't the way he really is. I think that he's kinder to me, than I actually am to myself. Romans 2:4 says that "it is the kindness of God which draws all men to repentance." I so often think, "You better not mess up." "Everything you do is going to be judged someday." I find, that when I think about him that makes it harder for me to love him. I tend to just feel like a scared child who is awaiting a spanking and I end up doing things that I don't want to do. When all I really want is to love him freely. I don't care if I don't learn anything else in this life, but this...That I can't do anything to make Jesus love me more than he already does and stop trying to earn my salvation and just walk it out.

My earthly father adores me. There is nothing more that I can do to make him love me more than he already does. I don't feel like I have to try and earn my dad's love. I don't go to my dad and ask him for crumbs if I'm hungry for a sandwich. Then why do I humanize God Almighty who has the power to do whatever He wants?

I have been a Christian for ten years and I feel like I know God less than I did ten years ago. This stuff should be posted on the other blog, I'm getting way to personal but it's too late now.

Maybe I'll remove this post. I'm not sure how I feel about being so brutally honest with my feelings.


Susan Kelly Skitt said...

Lovely girl. This life is about getting to know the One who saved us... He loves us with an everlasting love.

There is a tree in a nearby park similar to the trees you spoke of in England. It's called the "Pooh tree" after the Winnie the Pooh character. It is tall and wide with a big opening the size of a door. When you stand inside, you feel like you're in another world. That's what it's like to be wrapped up in God's love. Standing inside, safe, and secure.

Thank you for posting and I hope you leave it up.

Life in Him said...

Good morning dearest Colleen,
I love you. It is with great humility I am writing you, as one who has experienced what you are feeling. I want to tell you to please go back to your first encounter with Jesus. Remember the wonder and awe of realizing He was real? Relive the blush of first love when you just new everthing was going to be all right. That was the day you felt His great love towards you, the day He gave you the right to become His child (John 1). That was the beginning of your salvation. Your opportunity to be saved from sin. The word says we were once children of wrath, our father was satan and by nature we were his children. Up until the day you saw Jesus you were by nature God's enemy. That nature would never serve Him and was rebellious to His ways. But by His great sacrifice He gave to us the greatest miracle of all - a new nature - a godly nature accompanied with the desire to live for the Father. Then He said to renew our minds through His word so we would think like He thinks. And what does He do to make that happen - He places Himself right inside the center of our being and begins to reveal the hidden truths in His scriptures and we start changing.
The snare for us and what makes it a hard task is the spirit of religion, now our natural enemy that comes around and says 'it ain't so' bringing with it the spirits of confusion, failure and tries to convince us we are not and can never be who our Father in heaven says we are. That we are double-minded and will always be that way.
I believe you said 'yes, Lord' the day He gave you the right to become His I did that day. Don't allow yourself to be deceived anymore.
There is a sound, a tremendous sound coming from the throne declaring that everyone who call upon His name begin walking in agreement to His word. So simple, yet so powerful. He wants to heal our land and reveal His sons.
kisses and hugs to you.

Adventurer w/o Borders said...

Dear Colleen,

A while back I read through your other blog and found that it, in many ways, mirrored my own spiritual journey.

For the longest time I've imagined being saved and going to heaven only to be rebuked by our Father in heaven for inadequacies in my faith that led to bad choices.

Along the way I picked up this verse.

Romans 8:1-2
There is therefore now no condemnation to them which are in Christ Jesus, who walk not after the flesh, but after the Spirit. For the law of the Spirit of life in Christ Jesus hath made me free from the law of sin and death.

It gave me assurance that there is no comdemnation, that I will not be judged, for my continual stumbling and gave me peace.

I hope it does the same for you.

May He bless you for sharing your journey.

~**Dawn**~ said...

You know what, Colleen? I think if you were compelled to post this here, there is a reason. Maybe you don't know why yet, but I do believe that we are led to do certain things that are "out of our comfort zone" for reasons not revealed to us. You never know whose life you might be touching, someone who most needs to read what you've shared here, in a place where you don't usually share it to this depth. I personally love that you shared this with us. It's a glimpse of who you are, from a slightly different angle.

colleen said...

Sounds like you are in a good place Colleen. Anyplace with Jesus is good :)

Lately I've been thinking how much I am going to adore this little girl growing in my belly and than thinking how God adores me the same way, but He adores me even more because He loves me gives me the chills.

Dan Mega said...

Its a good post. I've been known to spill my guts every once in a blue moon. But even if you think you may know God less, He knows you better than anyone else. He knows everything, and its OK.

I find comfort in this fact.

david mcmahon said...

The most powerful writing is that which comes from the heart.

Do leave the pot where it is ....

Colleen said...


I think that it's amazing how even though I struggle to understand His love, He gives me dreams of it. He has come to me as The Strong Tower, as the Perfect Date, even as a Warrior Knight. How long His hand reaches and how great His mercy, to show me in oh so many personal ways that He loves me still. Thanks for encouraging me to leave this I'm glad I did.

Colleen said...

Jane- You have know me since the beginning, since just an immature 20 year old. Thanks for your words that brought hope and reminded me that I am not insane. I love you.

Colleen said...

I tend to forget about that scripture when my thoughts get really lound. I know I need to makse sure God's Word is louder in my heart than the thoughts that I think. Thank you.

Colleen said...

Dawn- I suppose now I am glad that I shared this, even though it still feels awakard for me. I dind't expect people to respond. Remember that whole transparency strength/weakness thing....yeah, this post would be a perfect example. Thanks my friend =)

Colleen said...

Colleen- I'm so glad we met in person that day. You are having a Girl! This is wonderful news! I was wondering about that. Sometimes, I have little glimpses, with the children that I was a nanny for of God's love for me, because of my love for them. I can only imagine how much more I will understand when I have my own. Although, I still really want to understand now. =)

Colleen said...

Dan- You are always good for a pat on the back and I appreciate that about you. Thanks.

Colleen said...

David- Well, I'm not touching this post. It's been made obvious to me by you and everyone else to leave it...even though it's not easy to be seen as vulnerable. I was writing this in the beginning as meerly a writing exercise for get the juices flowing. But inside, my heart was churning with what was Really going on inside me. Not in a venting negative way, but in a crying out to God for help sort of way. Writing from the heart is hard! I'm not sure that I like it because of how I look to everyone else! Although, when I read stuff from other authors or bloggers who write from their hearts I myself always appreciate it. Thanks David. You are a natural born encourager.

~**Dawn**~ said...

I know what you mean. I think any time you break out of your comfort zone, it feels awkward & strange. But the more you do it, the easier it becomes. It's just a matter of jumping in & letting yourself adjust to the feeling of sharing something deeply personal. I still sometimes feel a bit strange blogging about my faith, but the comments I get in response make it less awkward each time.